Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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