just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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