It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can't put those talents on a resume
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
