i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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