We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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