oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You ate ashes out of my bong
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
