The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
