i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You can't motorboat a personality
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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