My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
