if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
