I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
