She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I love you. Go after that dick
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
