Nicole vs. Life
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
