SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
