u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
