Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
