Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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