Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
