Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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