Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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