You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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