totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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