it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
