He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
