WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I am spending my child support on dildos
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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