He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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