I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
