Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
