I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
