if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
