i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
