It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
