see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
