My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
