I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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