So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
