at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
