So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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