was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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