come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
