No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
