just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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