um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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