Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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