Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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