last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
it's not cheating when I paid for it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
