Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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