WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
