He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
