That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
