pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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