I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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