Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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